Good Times, Good Words

During my summer hiatus I had the honor of officiating another wedding. I left a tiny sentence about that in my last post but I’m sure casual readers just skipped right over it thinking it was probably the random drivel of a mad man. But no, I occasionally perform the odd wedding here and there.

And I guess you could say they are indeed odd. Different at the very least. The first wedding I ever did was held at (of all places) a bocci ball court. Have YOU ever officiated a wedding at a bocci ball court? I didn’t think so, but I get to mark that one off of my bucket list. If you are like me you probably didn’t know what bocci ball is. I always thought bocci was the language that moisture vaporators spoke. As it turns out it’s like an Italian combination of shuffleboard and billiards that is played in a real nice courtyard setting perfect for a spring wedding.

The second one was an island themed wedding held in a nice subdivision. It was definitely laid back–the only thing differentiating me from the other guys in the wedding party was the fact that I was the one wearing pants. In retrospect they had the right idea. August in Georgia is a special kind of hell that sent down to punish southerners for being from the south, and, much like your Wu-Tang clan, ain’t nothing to fuck with. Great food though.

The last wedding I did was actually held in a church, which gave me a certain sense of apprehension as I am neither priest, pastor or rabbi. The whole reason I got started doing weddings is that when I get bored at work I tend to pester my coworkers with the Weirdness Of The Day. The Weirdness could be as simple as convincing everybody to substitute menu item names on kitchen checks for the names of vile sex acts, or as complex as developing new and entirely fictitious products for the company or conning everyone into thinking that a coworker who had called in was admitted to the hospital for testing and that we should get them a card we could all sign. One Sunday morning a long time ago in an Outback far, far away, faced with a dull and thoroughly unfun shift spent with hungover Outbackers, I started singing spirituals. Good, old timey religion spirituals. It just so happened that there were others working there that also felt like getting in the spirit. Before long we had a choir and a choir leader. One guy, who was about as religious as Richard Dawkins, seemed to know every hymn ever written, and we had this chick who taught me the Revelations: Liars Go To Hell song. Just great stuff to teach children by the way.

I had gotten ordained online to go along with the whole restaurant ministries theme and we were telling people to feel the spirit and all, having a good time with it. I was hanging out with a friend one night who had just gotten engaged, telling him about how cool the minister at my wedding was and how he was cracking jokes during the ceremony. A light went on in his head and he asked ‘Hey, can YOU marry us?’

And history was made.

From my experience, some people really have to have a traditional wedding. The pope or the president or the nearest equivalent just has to be the one presiding over the ceremony, the London Philharmonic has to play the bridal march, and Bobby Flay has to do the catering.

And then some people would rather have a wedding with more character than pomp. Some people don’t want Bobby Flay doing the catering because they can whip up something better. Some people don’t want the London Philharmonic playing because their cousin is a prominent deejay. Some people don’t want the pope marrying them because they aren’t catholic.

Some people are cool, laid back people who want a cool, laid back ceremony. I’m not saying that couples who go for traditional weddings aren’t cool, I’m just saying that the couples that get me to marry them have a definite, quantifiable coolness to them. For example, at my last wedding instead of slowly marching out after the ceremony, the wedding party, including me, paired up and danced down the aisle to Bruno Mars. My partner was a lovely young lady named Victoria, who, at age seventeen was a better driver than most adults I know, and, if I remember correctly, kinda pissed that our military would not let her into a combat position. Hehehe. God help whatever poor army that opposes ours once that chick gets in it.

So there you have it: something you didn’t know about me that is pleasantly weird. I officiate weddings sometimes. It’s not something I set out to do originally, but each time is a unique and special honor for me. If you are getting hitched and want a half funny, half serious, totally heartwarming ceremony then I might be the officiant for you. Also, it costs money and we’ll have to party together beforehand. Thems the rules. Can’t get around them, especially the party rule.

To Ginny and Adam, Telika and Mark, and Destiny and Ross: once again thank you for the special honor of sharing those special days with you in that unique way. I hope you all live happy lives together. Thanks for the good times–I hope I gave you good words.

Dignity and Respect
Me, The JerBear


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