Everybody deserves to get a Mulligan every once in a while, especially if they are new to something. First time patrons can certainly be forgiven for not knowing their way to the bathroom or not knowing what time the restaurant closes or not knowing that ‘Soup or Salad’ is a choice and not a Ballin! ass salad.
But some people come in and you would swear they have been cave-next-door neighbors with Bin Laden for the last few years because they stare at their check like a monkey stares at a banana covered in shit. They just have no idea what to do with it.
My favorite type of these is when you present the check to them and they pick it up and stare at it and study it like it’s the friggin Talmud and after much concentratin’ and figgerin’ and cypherin’ they finally manage to put their credit card in the little sleeve. Yay! Everything is [mostly] normal you think. Then you go to the table to pick up the card to run it and they ask you for a pen.
So they can sign it, you stupid idiot.
They say the first part of that sentence, they think the last part. Trust me, though–that’s what they’re thinking. What YOU are thinking is Fuckstick, YOU aren’t so famous that I want you to autograph your check for me. Let’s try running it first and see what happens.
These people always seem agitated and stressed out. This might be because they actually are agitated and stressed out about something, but it’s more likely due to the Juan Valdez’s donkey-sized Columbian saddlebags full of trucker meth they had consumed prior to dining in your establishment. By the way that would make another How You Know . . . If your table is so geeked up they make Hunter Thompson look like a sobriety coach then they probably won’t leave you a good tip. In my experience if they are REALLY tweaked out you will be lucky if they don’t short you on the check and merely complain to the manager about everything single thing they can remember or imagine that you did wrong, one category usually significantly outnumbering the other.
So the rule is:
If your table displays ignorance of basic financial transactions (where to pay, who to pay, how much to pay, if they should pay, etc.), then you will probably say something like ‘You shitbiscuit!’ or ‘Aw, dogfarts! under your breath when you open up the check presenter. You will have reason to.
Dignity and Respect
Me, The JerBear
P. S. Apologies to all the good people that came to the last comedy show I performed in. I had had a long, hard day. When I asked you if you had ever had a day so long and rough that at the end of it you just wanted to take a nap and a crap and a shower and you just hoped they didn’t all happen at the same time, I was speaking from a place of profound personal truth. You were a good crowd and I got my share of laughs but I didn’t adequately prepare for that gig and I ran out of steam and didn’t give you the JerBear show you deserved. But rest assured knowing that I will close a lot better next time. Probably with a dick joke.