Just Fuckin’ With Ya: Beverages

Probably the number one reason I enjoy working in a restaurant is the way I get to interact with some of the tables. Specifically I LOVE fucking with people. Not in a mean way, naturally, but in a fun-spirited way.

Years after having mastered the art of casual dining service, I grew bored with acting capable and professional so I decided to take my service style in a whole new direction. I guess you could say the essence of my schtick is acting like a completely incompetent imbecile while somehow still being witheringly sarcastical. It’s great. Bear in mind that I’m a pretty good judge of how much I can joke around with my tables. I would only do some of these things with the coolest of the cool tables. None of this stuff ever would happen with a table that didn’t possess the sense of humor to appreciate it.

First I’ll start off normally enough. You know, just to get them off their guard. Then I’ll take a sharp left-hand turn into J-Town.

‘Hello and good evening everybody, welcome to [The Restaurant]. Can I go ahead and get you something to drink while you are getting settled in and looking at the menu?’

‘I’ll have a water. With lemon.’

‘A water WITH lemon? Oh. How festive! And for you?’

‘Yeah I’ll have your water and lemon also, large.’

Oh it must be a very special evening then. And for you?’

‘I’ll have the same thing please.’

‘Three LARGE waters? WITH lemon? Oh my! I am just TINGLING with excitement! I knew I felt an electricity in the air. I thought it was a lightning storm brewing but it must be the sheer, raw epic nature of this night that I felt. Three sky juices with sun fruit coming right up! Did you want to start out with some of our jalapeno  poppers or cheese sticks for an appetizer?’

‘No thank you. We’re kinda in a hurry so we’ll be ready to order when you get back.’

Okay no problem. I’ll be back in twenty minutes or so. I am absolutely terrible at this job by the way. Plus I’ve got a break coming up so it might be a little more than twenty minutes. But I will be back. Eventually. Just sit tight.’

At this point they will usually laugh a little. Or start looking for the manager. But if they do seem amused I’ll warn them ‘Yeah it’s funny for the first fifteen minutes’ as I’m making a quick exit.

But the fun isn’t restricted to just water drinkers. Ice cold Coca Cola Classic drinkers love their coke and hate diet coke, and diet coke drinkers gots ta have their diet coke and will think you are trying to poison them if you give them anything but diet coke. And neither of them seem to like Dr. Pepper or Sprite. So for gits and shiggles when I bring the drinks out I’ll put the correct drink down in front of the person who ordered it, but I’ll call it out wrong. If they ordered coke I’ll say ‘Here’s your Dr. Pepper’, if they ordered diet coke it’s ‘Here’s your Coke’, and so on. Dr. Pepper is replaced with pepsi, pink lemonade is replaced by fruit punch, sprite with water. Nobody ever ‘gets’ diet coke that didn’t order it though. That would be potentially disastrous.

This works particularly well with tea drinkers. Here in the South we take our sweetened iced tea rather seriously. Most of the people who drink sweet tea would never drink unsweetened tea and they have a comically displeased reaction when they do (accidentally) drink it, similar to that of someone drinking a cup of cold cat piss. So I’ll go to one of my tables that’s drinking sweet tea with the pitcher in hand. I’ll grab the glass and as I’m pulling the glass off the table and starting to pour I’ll say ‘More unsweet tea?’. Their cries of ‘Noooo! I had SWEET tea!’ only make me pause slightly, looking slightly confused and apologetic. Then I finish refilling the glass and say ‘Here just drink this til I get back.’

‘In twenty minutes.’

 

More to come in the future . . . whenever that is . . .

 

Dignity and Respect

Me, The JerBear

8 Comments

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8 responses to “Just Fuckin’ With Ya: Beverages

  1. BAHAHAHA! I’m one of those sweet tea drinkers. I don’t like mine syrupy sweet, but I like some sugar in that bitch. You are a horrible person and i love it!

  2. Crimson Crustacean

    Jerr,
    You are an inspiration to the Sarcastic Waiter/waitresses around the planet!

    I might just steal this routine.

    And It’s crazy up here in the north, no sweet tea….at all…these guys are uncivilized. I need sugar in my tea. But like FMT said…not syrupy sweet.

  3. I think I am the only southerner in the history of the south that drinks unsweetened tea.

    Yeah, my southern card got pulled a few years back.

    Oh well, I never claimed to be Scarlett O’Hara.

    [For what’s it worth I could care less if I was accidentily poured sweet tea. no worries.]

  4. That sounds like so much fun. It would either lead me to leave a 25% tip or 5%, depending on my mood.

  5. I nearly peed my pants at the water comments. I hate people who request lemon with their water. If you’re going to be cheap, don’t make me do more work. I do believe I’m going to adopt your attitude. 🙂

    • Ha! Let me know when I write or say something that DOES make you pee your pants, even if it’s just a little trickle. No I’m not some piss pervert. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Okay maybe it’s a little weird. At first. But that would be one of the Ultimate Compliments for a funny person, right above the spit take.

      As far as adopting the attitude, try having fun telling people No.

  6. I think me and you need to open a restaurant like I saw on TV last night. The waiters and waitresses come to the table and treat the customers like they are bothgering them and then they throw things like hats at them. The customers say the insults are great. They also stand on tables and lipsink to music playing while dancing. Hey check out what we are doing at http://www.menusofrome.com starting this week as well as http://www.romegacoupons.com

    Richard

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