Titty Swat

Sorry for taking so long to update, gang. Let’s just say the kitchen of life has been backed up lately and your order should be coming up soon. That’s not a metaphor for my digestive system in case you were wondering.  I’ve just had some things going on and I haven’t had the motivation to write anything blog worthy.

In recent news I shaved my head for gitz and shiggles and I’ve been working on a silly little song for and about my kid, which was bound to happen given the amount of time I spend with the little guy.

Anyway a recent post on my friend Effy’s blog Fuck My Table gave me the inspiration to write my own titty-related tale. This isn’t a story of the triumph of good versus evil, good people. In fact I don’t think there is anything good about this little incident. Just shame and embarrassment. On my part for a change. I’ve got a better titty story but I’m saving it for a slow(er) news day.

I was waiting on this four top of older people, who I think were about 50 to 60 years old or so. This one lady was sitting up and leaning forward enough so that her rather large boobies were hanging out on the table. When I took their drinks out I had to dodge a couple of pairs of glasses and a cell phone and a purse when I put the glasses down.

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And while I’m on the subject: what is it with people having to put just about everything they are carrying around with them on the table they are about to eat on? Why would you put a five hundred-dollar phone or prescription reading glasses in a precariously bad place on a table that’s about to have food and drinks put on it that could break or spill something on them? When did clothing stop having pockets?

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And while I’m still on the subject: why is it when you run food out to a table they try to ‘help’ you out by frantically moving every item on the table around but somehow never clearing out enough space to put the super hot plate that’s giving your hand a second degree burn?

Okay enough whining. Back to the titties . . .

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So everything was going fairly normally. Everybody seemed to be having a good experience. Until I ran their entrees out.

I managed to dodge her boobs when I put her plate down, but when I let go of the plate (and come on–you all know where this one is going), I accidentally gave her titty an upward titty swat. I know that if you are reading this you are thinking ‘Sure it was accidental, you old lady titty swatting pervert!’

But really it was. It truly is a rare moment when I am at a loss for words but at that moment I was stunned and embarrassed. I would have MUCH rather pissed on myself in public that get to second base with somebody’s grandma.

Not having failed to notice that a handsome young man had made physical contact with her oft neglected chesticle, she looked up at me with a facial expression that was a mixture of shock, insult, arousal, and smelling a fart in the shower.

I stammered out a shaky ‘Umm . . . uh . . . umm . . . I’m very sorry’ and beat a hasty retreat to the relative comfort of the kitchen.

I made sure that table had everything they needed when they needed it but I damned sure didn’t make any extra table visits. They left a ten percent tip, which I felt fortunate to get especially considering it never got accompanied by a sexual assault charge.

Lady, if you ever happen to read this, know that I deeply regret accidentally touching your booby. I really do hope you didn’t feel anywhere near as uncomfortable or violated as I did.

Oh yeah, and please keep your titties off the table:)

Dignity and Respect

Me, The JerBear

4 Comments

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4 responses to “Titty Swat

  1. This would never be a problem if you were my server Jer. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. 🙂

    And I know it is not polite to laugh at your discomfort, but…uh, lol!

  2. HA. They may have been looking for a reason to give you ten percent – and just got one that was better than expected!

    Also, I CAN’T STAND when I think to myself “okay, this plate is hot, but I can hold it for the 10 seconds it takes to get to table 4” and they CAN’T MOVE THEIR SHIT and I have to stand there melting off my fingerprints!

  3. I have to say I’ve never titty swatted anyone, but I have racked a couple male customers hard enough to make them grunt. Here’s a tip: unless you are employed by the restaurant, you belong in a seated position. Or wear a cup. Just sayin’…

  4. Just can’t think of anything witty to say about that. Thanks for the story

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