How You Know You Won’t Get A Good Tip #2: The Axe Bath

In this week’s installment of How You Know I’m going to talk about another damned near surefire way to tell whether or not that table you just got sat with thinks tipping is something you only do to cows at two in the morning after downing a twelve pack of lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon tallboys. Just like in poker there are many tells that restaurant customers give off that indicate what they’re going to do. This one is all about how people smell. Basically the rule/guideline is:

YOU KNOW YOU WON’T GET A GOOD TIP . . . If you can smell the stink of their Axe Body Spray/cheapass $1.99 per gallon swinepiss cologne and/or perfume from across the dining room. Or from the kitchen.

Tonight I had the pleasure of waiting on two tables who were sitting across from each other separated by an aisle about two and a half feet in width. The way my restaurant is set up I had to pass through this noxious alley about every thirty-eight seconds. The first table was this rednecky, Mountain People type couple. The guy’s head was still dripping wet from his Axe bath and the girl didn’t speak all that much, either because she wasn’t allowed to speak on a weekday or because the stench (or the original stench that the stench was supposed to be covering up) was so bad she kept throwing up a little bit in her mouth. The second table was this young ‘schbag who joined his girlfriend’s family and insisted on getting a separate check so he could leave a one dollar tip. Now I have no idea what these two disparate tables wound up doing after they left but I’m fairly certain their pre-dinner plans included a long, soothing bathing experience using up to ten dollars  worth of their favorite soap substitute.

These people REEKED. So bad that within fifteen minutes of their arrival I developed a blistering migraine that is still skull-raping my brain at this very moment. Migraines are  the bane of my existence and absolute proof that god hates me. Mine have a million triggers and less than a handful of palliative treatments. One of those triggers is strong, shitty perfumes. Or maybe it’s just the turd ridges that wear them. Either way exposure to extremely noxious chemical scents like that can start-up a chain reaction of misery where the blood vessels in my brain expand and press on my gray matter (which feels exactly like it sounds like it would) with nausea thrown in at no extra charge. I don’t mean to sound whiny but my noggin is throbbin because of those assholes’ hygiene issues. But at least they gave me the motivation to write a blog post though.

I’m not entirely certain why people who choose to douse themselves in Wal-Mart brand cologne tip like high school kids but I have a theory. It has to do with self-esteem and insecurity. If a dude (or a chick because the rule holds true for females just as much as it does for males but dudes seem to be the worse offenders) feels the need to take a whore bath before going out then he probably has a poor opinion of himself and will therefore have a poor opinion of you and in turn give you a crappy tip. The same goes for the ladies that shower in Chanel and spackle on a half-inch layer of warpaint before their 5:30 reservation at Chili’s. Ladies, if you have to put on so much makeup that it stinks, then maybe you need to dial it back a bit. The Too Much Makeup Rule is kind of like a corollary to the Axe Bath Rule. They are very similar but there’s a little bit more going on with that one.

Test out my theory though. I think you will find the same results I did. Sure you will occasionally run across a table that reeks because they just accidentally sprayed a little too much on, but 98% of the time when your table has visible wavy stink lines wafting out from them they will be crappy tippers.

Dignity and Respect

Me, The JerBear


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14 responses to “How You Know You Won’t Get A Good Tip #2: The Axe Bath

  1. Oh, ain’t that the truth. I have one white trash table (that requests lucky, lucky me) and she wears that cotton candy body spray all the girly in 6th grade had. It’s positively nauseating.

    Also, ‘turd ridges.’ I love it.

    • For a very, very long time the only people that would request me were people that didn’t know how to tip.

      Yay me.

    • I think you mean “Loves Baby Soft” by Avon and your description made me laugh – and cringe. Because I wore that. In sixth grade. 🙂

      And with two sons Jer I refused the purchase of AXE for the sole reason if I wanted to smell it I just had to visit the mall on a Saturday afternoon.

      And my kids know I don’t shop.

      [That sh*t is of the devil.]

      • Tsk tsk, mom. I’m going to have to ground you if you don’t stop censoring your profanity.

        And I bet there’s no way you wore as much as the people I was writing about. No way.

  2. Even worse than the offending perfume/AXE/cologne/etc is the dreaded stench of B.O. When I get one of those, I can bet my pasty white ass that they’re not going to tip me well either.

    The ONE time I was wrong was when I was wrong on so many levels. Mexican family. Reeked of B.O. from a day’s hard labor. Didn’t speak English. Three strikes, you’re OUT! I knew I wasn’t getting tipped.

    But the guy was nice and seemed apologetic that he didn’t speak English. I brought his the solitary Spanish menu we had and tried to help him pick something for each family member, even though the smell almost made me vomit. I knew enough food words in Spanish to impress them, and they smiled at me every time I walked by. They tipped me 40%! Crazy, because they looked like one of those “triple whammy” tables that would fuck you over.

    Anyway, long story short — ANY excessive odor is bad…but I prefer perfume or cologne to B.O. To date, the only person’s B.O. I don’t mind is my husband’s…but even it can reach critical levels requiring a shower.

    Oh, but I prefer B.O. to AXE. That shit gives ME migraines, and those are rare for me. Yikes.

    • Yep. Ditto everything you just wrote.

      I guess the rule is ANY ODOR means there’s a bad tip in your future, but yeah I would rather smell BO than an obscene amount of cologne.

  3. There’s also the uptight, stuck up aristocratic wannabes that tend to overdue the scents (usually in their case it’s the women) and treat you like crap because they think you’re below them. Grinds my gears, it does. You can bet they will find issues with every aspect of your service to find an excuse to tip you poorly.

  4. An Educated Server

    It’s so horrible at my restaurant, especially on Friday and Saturday nights. Men and women stand around the bar, or stand on the patio, and the collection on their perfumes and colognes will literally smack you in the face and bring tears to your eyes. It’s that bad. I always learned that you should use two squirts and then put it down. Your nose gets used to the smell, so you keep spraying until you smell it, and then you’ve sprayed too much! It’s murder on everybody else around you, and the people walk around thinking they’re hot sh*t…when they actually smell like hot sh*t. It’s so sad.

  5. The AXE SMELL IS THE WORST. I serve in LA and there are tons and tons of tanned bros who come in looking like jersey shore and reek of axe. Never more than 15% NEVER. It just sucks knowing before you drop the check what is going to happen.
    If you’re interested I have a new serving blog that I will be updating daily.
    Thank you

    • Cool! You will be my go to guy when I have LA questions. I’m assuming you mean the city of angels and not Lower Alabama.

      Already got one of those.

      And I will check out your blog.

  6. Shannon

    I just had a conversation about “too much makeup girls” a few nights ago when I was leaving a restaurant which had a foyer full of them. I noticed them immediately because they gave me and my boyfriend the “I smell shit” face when I asked them to move so I could get out. For some reason, whenever I wait on women like that, they are horrendously bitchy. I know it’s an insecurity thing, but come on. It’s not like your date is going to like you better if you act like a nasty, stuck up bitch.

  7. I’m never sure if I get a bad tip from the Axe Bath people because I tend to ignore them or if they really are shitty tippers. I am not fond of perfume/cologne and if someone reeks of it, I only visit their tables when I absolutely have to.

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