How You Know You Won’t Get A Good Tip #1: The Asshat

I’ve decided to start a quasi-regular installment series about the warning signs that you will get a crappy tip from your tables. I’m sure I won’t be breaking any new ground in this area. If you’ve waited tables for ten or more minutes then none of this should be news, but numerous sources indicate that it might be a good idea to have a regular ‘column’ in my blog. Plus I happened to wait on one of these walking warning signs the other day and it got me to thinking.

We’ve all been working a shift at one time or another and everything seemed to be going normally and then you saw the hostess leading a group of people to your section that set your internal alarms off. You couldn’t quite figure out what it was about this table that made you cringe. Perhaps it was . . .


You take a mental inventory of the people at the table. They seem to be wearing fairly normal clothes. Some of them look like they are a few I.Q. points away from riding the Canadian (or short) bus, but otherwise it might not be a total loss.

Then you see the hat.

Usually it will be either backwards or tilted at an angle. It will almost always be a bright, neon color. Either that or it’s something from the Jersey Shore catalog of fine clothing products and life accessories. There will be airbrushed writing on it and the words in English will read something like ‘Spring Break! Whoo-hoo!’ or ‘Lulu Bell Loves Jasper 4eva!’ but what they really mean are ‘I am a complete fucktard. New words had to be invented just to properly describe my social ineptitude.’

Seriously though I found that there is a relationship between how stupid some assclown’s hat looks and how little they tip. This is merely a rule and rules can always be broken. It’s not quite a law like the Pays For A Small Check With A Hundred Law which will be covered in my next installment of How You Know, but it will hold true about 99% of the time.

I’m not so cocky that I can’t admit to being wrong at times. If you happen to be one of these people who have the poor social graces to match your poor choice of head gear and you actually do tip well and know how to behave in public then . . . oh never mind. You don’t fucking exist. Why am I trying to talk to you? If you want my advice (and you don’t): Take off the hat, pick up an etiquette book (okay learn how to read it first then pick it up and read it), say please, say thank you, and let the ladies order first. I would even settle for letting them speak at all.

But mostly: just take off that ridiculous hat.

And as always:

Dignity and Respect

Me, The JerBear


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2 responses to “How You Know You Won’t Get A Good Tip #1: The Asshat

  1. My personal favorite:

    Over-tanned, over-bleached, loooong fake nails, and kids who run wild and scream all the way through dinner.


    Pretty much guaranteed.

  2. Wow. You just gave me a mental image of 85% of my male customers. When I see the cocked hat I want to bitch slap someone.

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