Nate’s Post

When I was bartending at the OG I used to have this regular come in who had the cutest kids. They really were precious creatures and I’m not being facetious or snide in the slightest. They really were. And their mother (let’s call her Stuffy) was quite the MILF. She was hot. Very hot.

And crazy as deep-fried batshit.

She would come in about three or four nights a week and stay from about 5:00 til about 8:30. One of the reasons she enjoyed eating there was the free wine sampling policy which she would abuse like a redheaded stepchild. The other reason was the free babysitting provided by yours truly. That’s right–she would come in and sit her two-year old daughter and her four-year old son at a bar and go to the restroom or go outside and make a phone call or whatever the hell she would do and expect me to watch them. And I would. Because I would have hated it if something happened to them while they were at my bar, no matter how busy I might have been. I guess I’m just a . . . what do they call it . . . a human being like that. People, I have even read books to these kids while their mother spent twenty minutes in the bathroom, which is something that I got the impression didn’t happen a lot (the reading thing not the twenty minute potty break thing).

Stuffles was a very demanding customer who modified the ever-living sheeyut out of everything that went down her cock holster, but she was (at first) a moderately decent tipper. As time went on her list of demands and her constant asking for more free vino and her babysitting requirements increased and increased and somehow her tip percentage went down and down. The more I tried to make her happy the more she would ask of me and the less she would give.

Meh. Typical asinine customer behavior you might say. Except for the dropping the kids off at the bar. That was pretty unusual. I’ve never seen that before or since. I even tried writing a song lyric about it but nobody got it because who the fudge does that?

But the real problem I had with her, the real reason she stands out in my memory is what she would feed her kids. She would never ever ever EVER order anything for her kids but tubetti pasta in butter.

And that’s it.

‘Oh that’s all they’ll eat. I can’t get them to eat anything else’ she would say.

I could.

I would let them try all sorts of stuff. Any kind of thing I could get my hands on that remotely resembled actual food–my food, coworkers’ food, soup, whatever. In a restaurant there is always something to eat ya know.

And they would eat it. But whenever I would try to gently suggest a menu change away from noodles and butter she would always counter with ‘No, they won’t eat anything else but this hyper unhealthy combination of non-nutritious crap that requires a Tolstoy’s War and Peace‘s worth of mods to get the kitchen to make right and would never make it on the menu anyway because it just sounds nasty’. Okay she never actually said that but the quote was modified for editorial purposes.

And yes I did ask about allergies before I fed someone else’s kids strange and exotic food. I may be dumb but I ain’t stupid.

The whole reason this post came about was I was reading a Facebook post by an old friend of mine, Nate, who went off on parents that only feed their kids chicken fingers and ranch dressing and wonder why their ten-year old has back fat. This is a personal pet peeve of mine (even though my only real pet peeve is people with pet peeves:). Me and Mrs. Bear have vowed that our kid will NOT be afraid of new food. We plan on instilling him with an appreciation for all types of cuisine. Sure, an occasional chicken finger might slip through but I’ll be damned if my kid is going to throw a tantrum if he has to eat something other than chicken fingers, ranch and diet coke. There’s too many children that don’t have anything to eat to act like that.

I wonder how Stuffy and her kids are doing. I wonder if they have back fat. Or any fat. Or Diabetes.

And I hope somebody reads to them.

Dignity and Respect

Me, The JerBear


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8 responses to “Nate’s Post

  1. This is an excellent “slice of life” post, Jer! I love reading what you have to say about these very meaningful “snapshots” of life in the industry. Keep it up!

    • Thanks, mate. Not sure I would ever classify what I do as ‘meaningful’ but it does make me smile that you would refer to it as such. And btw thanks for adding me to your blogroll.

  2. We were best friends with a couple whose children would only eat 5 things and those things had to be dipped in bbq sauce. It drove me nuts when we had dinners together.

    One night I made a fried chicken dinner with all the sides and invited them over but not before making sure I did not have bbq sauce in the house. The kids immediately asked if I had any and I said no [because I make AWESOME fried chicken and you do not defile it with bbq sauce. Sorry – it is good – if I wanted to make bbq chicken I would.] Anyway they seemed fine with that until they went to eat their chicken and the older daughter bit in and screamed “OMG THERE IS A BONE IN THIS CHICKEN!” Yep – one of her original 5 choices was chicken tenders – at 8 years old she had never had chicken on the bone. Sigh. [I showed her how to get it off and eat it, thus avoiding the “nasty” bone.]

    Forward a few months and her father hosted a cookout for us – the man could cook [his kids just wouldn’t eat it] and made us grilled filet mignon that melted on your tongue with grilled asparagus – hot dogs for his kids. When his kids saw that our kids were eating the filet mignon they pitched a fit and had to have some too – fair enough, he just didn’t know they would eat steak.

    The first thing they did was drown the beautiful meat in [you guessed it] bbq sauce.

    Their mother used to cry to me about how overweight her kids were and ask me how we did it – keeping our kids healthy and thin. We had eaten together enough that I thought she would get it – I didn’t think I could say much more.

    And the kicker? The mother was a registered nurse. DUH.

    The one thing we have learned is that kids’ palates are much stronger than adults so things like garlic, onions, mushrooms, spices taste stronger to them – ours are harder to impress because we kill off our taste buds as we grow and like stronger flavors.

    Evidently for these kids, tho’ – bbq sauce was it!

    [sorry that was so long. :)]

  3. Yer Old Man

    Good stuff here, JerBear. Keep up the good work.

  4. That is about the saddest thing I’ve ever read. Kids don’t belong in bars with parents who don’t give a shit.

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