Pull any random glass out of the rack in just about any random resto out there and I’d say you would have about a 2% to 5% chance of getting a glass or coffee cup with lipstick residue clinging on to it. How can this be? Is there some widespread defect in dishwashing devices? Are most dishwashers lazy or unable to get the job done?
Today’s modern lipsticks are said to contain waxes, oils, pigments, dyes, leads, coal tar-derived FD&C coloring and carmine, which is what you get when you boil pigmented beetles. Yum! Who wouldn’t want to slobber some of that shit on their lips? But judging from the way it sticks to cups with its Ruby Red Death Grip, I’d say it was made from a combination of epoxy glue, paint spackle and quick-drying cement. I think my homeboy from the future John Connor told me they were making T-4000 Terminators out of modern-day lipstick because the stuff they were making the T-2000s with wasn’t quite Governator-proof enough. I mean that stuff is so hard and resilient that if NASA had used lipstick to put their space ships together we’d still have a shuttle fleet.
Ladies, help me to understand why you have to use so much of it too. I’m a dude and my drag days are over (hey no judgment it was Halloween:). Maybe I’m just a weird hippy but I happen to believe that a woman’s beauty doesn’t need artificial sweeteners like makeup and lipstick. Especially the lipstick since I see so much of it caked around to rims of so many glasses. It just boggles my mind that this stuff is made to be so waterproof and dishwasher proof and getting-a-rag-and-wiping-it-the fuck-off proof. And why is it that the more waterproof the lipstick is the more likely it is that the wearer will make sweet oral love to the rim of the glass or coffee mug?
And don’t even get me started on the people who wear so much perfume and cologne that you have to go to the kitchen just to breathe. I have discerned through years of empirical evidence that there is an inverse proportion to the amount of fragrance used and the amount of tip given. In other words the further away from the table you can smell the people at the table the less you will make. I challenge anyone to refute my science.
So to all the servers and bartenders and dishwashers who have had to bear the blame for lipstick stains, you have my sympathies and I share your pains.
Dignity and Respect
Me, The JerBear