Lipstick and Space Shuttles

Pull any random glass out of the rack in just about any random resto out there and I’d say you would have about a 2% to 5% chance of getting a glass or coffee cup with lipstick residue clinging on to it. How can this be? Is there some widespread defect in dishwashing devices? Are most dishwashers lazy or unable to get the job done?

Nope.

Today’s modern lipsticks are said to contain waxes, oils, pigments, dyes, leads, coal tar-derived FD&C coloring and carmine, which is what you get when you boil pigmented beetles. Yum! Who wouldn’t want to slobber some of that shit on their lips? But judging from the way it sticks to cups with its Ruby Red Death Grip, I’d say it was made from a combination of epoxy glue, paint spackle and quick-drying cement. I think my homeboy from the future John Connor told me they were making T-4000 Terminators out of modern-day lipstick because the stuff they were making the T-2000s with wasn’t quite Governator-proof enough. I mean that stuff is so hard and resilient that if NASA had used lipstick to put their space ships together we’d still have a shuttle fleet.

Ladies, help me to understand why you have to use so much of it too. I’m a dude and my drag days are over (hey no judgment it was Halloween:). Maybe I’m just a weird hippy but I happen to believe that a woman’s beauty doesn’t need artificial sweeteners like makeup and lipstick. Especially the lipstick since I see so much of it caked around to rims of so many glasses. It just boggles my mind that this stuff is made to be so waterproof and dishwasher proof and getting-a-rag-and-wiping-it-the fuck-off proof. And why is it that the more waterproof the lipstick is the more likely it is that the wearer will make sweet oral love to the rim of the glass or coffee mug?

And don’t even get me started on the people who wear so much perfume and cologne that you have to go to the kitchen just to breathe. I have discerned through years of empirical evidence that there is an inverse proportion to the amount of fragrance used and the amount of tip given. In other words the further away from the table you can smell the people at the table the less you will make. I challenge anyone to refute my science.

So to all the servers and bartenders and dishwashers who have had to bear the blame for lipstick stains, you have my sympathies and I share your pains.

Dignity and Respect

Me, The JerBear

6 Comments

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6 responses to “Lipstick and Space Shuttles

  1. I don’t understand the lipstick phenomena because I don’t wear lipstick. In fact, I only wear makeup on the rarest of occasions. I used to be a “dolled up” girl in high school. I carried makeup in my purse and reapplied it throughout the day. If my hair was messed up, I halted everything to fix it.

    I look back on those days with the utmost revulsion. If my hair gets messed up I will make a feeble attempt to fix it, but will ultimately say “fuck it.” I no longer wear makeup regularly and, if I do, there will be no reapplying. I carry Chapstick and use it as needed.

    And I fucking hate seeing lipstick stains on the coffee mugs. I loved working at Posado’s because we had dark blue coffee mugs – no stains visible, EVER. White mugs suck because they eventually become discolored and stained, and no amount of cleaning will ever fix them.

  2. I hate lipstick stains!! Hate Hate Hate!! And I’m with FMT – White cups are the worst!!

  3. This one time, my brother and I were at a coffee place. We sat down and each had a coffee from the mugs, not from to-go cups. I took a sip. “Yum!” My brother took a sip “YUCK! This stuff tastes like whale blubber.”
    Instead of questioning why my brother knows what whale blubber tastes like, I looked at the mug. “Hey bro, try drinking from the side of the mug without the huge lip stick mark.”
    “Oh, didn’t see that.”
    He turned the mug around and took a second sip. “Good coffee, bad mug.”

    And women wear lipstick for the sole purpose of making men look foolish by having smeared lipstick on shirt collars, necks, cheeks, lips, etc.

  4. An Educated Server

    My main issue is with the cologne/perfume. On the weekends, when we’re at our busiest, I always have to hold my nose while passing through certain parts of the restaurant because there are so many scents just sitting in one area. I don’t know why people feel the need to saturate themselves in the stuff, but it is so annoying to have 4-5 different smells at one table just murdering your nostrils. What happened to just one or two squirts?

  5. I wipe lipstick off with my fingers. I don’t use a towel and I don’t send it back through the dishpit. My fingers might be clean and they might not be. I don’t really give a fuck. Lipstick stains piss me off. Perfume makes me want to cut the wearer up with a chain saw.

    • Given the fact that I wash my hands about 150 times a day and you are probably not all that different I would be willing to bet your fingers are a lot cleaner that that space shuttle glue on the rim:)

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