Bloomin Blumpkin

When I worked at Outback they used hand-written checks to turn in to the kitchen. What the server wrote down is what the kitchen would see. Why would they do this you ask? Cause they’re just high tech like that I guess. Now you might be thinking this post is going to be a long-winded diatribe about the use of inappropriate ordering systems employed by corporate steak house chains but no. You should know better:)

When the term ‘blumpkin’ came into the popular vernacular (disgusting pun intended) I have to admit to having a certain fascination with it and other terms like it. If you are not familiar with all the details of what a blumpkin is then I’m not going to educate you here. You’ll have to go see a live show for that and it will have to be held in a place I won’t mind getting kicked out of.

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A blumpkin is an act of love between two consenting adults who love each other very, VERY much. It is where a guy gets a hummer while taking a crap. Now that’s love, people!

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My fascination with these kinds of Dirty Urban Legend Sex Acts started back when I was working at Chili’s. I was running this comedy show in my hometown and I had a comedian friend of mine who did this whole bit on the Dirty Sanchez. The way he described it was hilarious so naturally I went back to work the next day and talked about it to everyone who wasn’t at the show. After going around and explaining it to everybody one of the cooler managers changed my name on the computer to Dirty Sanchez on a dare. Every guest check that I handed out to my tables had ‘Dirty Sanchez’ written at the top right hand corner where the server’s name usually goes. Occasionally I’d get a knowledgeable table that would smile and ask me if I knew what it meant. Oh yeah. I sure did. Even the kitchen would get in on the fun. My kitchen checks would cut off the ‘ez’ so that all that printed was ‘Dirty Sanch.’ Guess what they called me? If you guessed ‘Dirty Snatch‘ then you get an Alabama HotPocket! You might be wondering how come no one ever got in trouble or sued for printing Dirty Sanchez on literally thousands of guest checks at a corporate chain restaurant (it remained unchanged for about two years). This was back in 1998 and the Dirty Sanchez did not enjoy the popularity then that it does today.

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A Dirty Sanchez is when a guy (who loves and respects his girl very much) is engaged in anal intercourse and pulls his penis from her rectum and wipes it across her upper lip, giving her a fecal mustache. But everybody knows that already and I don’t want to get too disgusting.

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So when the Blumpkin was going around as the Joke of the Day at Outback I was ecstatic. I knew I could run with it.

Remember the handwritten checks? Well the way you wrote the abbreviation for their most popular appetizer The Bloomin Onion was to write the word ‘BLOOM’ at the top of the pink app check that you turned into fry side and you circled it.

Anybody see where this is going?

Yep, some crazy dumbass wrote ‘BLUMPKIN’ and circled it on their app check. That was me. What can I say? I enjoy a good laugh. It’s not like the dining public had to see it.

 

Eventually about 90% of the staff was writing ‘BLUMPKIN’ instead of ‘BLOOM’ on their app checks. The kitchen guys loved it and thought it was hilarious. A happy crew is a hard-working crew and those BLUMPKINs flew out of those fry vats a lot faster and better looking than BLOOMs ever did.

Plans were made to supplant all the menu items with code names. One night this guy named Ray even convinced this septogenarian lady that the Chocolate Thunder From Down Under, OB’s signature brownie dessert (which already sounded enough like a fecal reference as it was), was actually called The Hot Carl. It brings a smile to my face every time I think of her saying in her weak and shaky, Catherine Hepburn-esque voice ‘R-a-y-ee, t-h-a-t Hot C-a-r-l sure was g-o-o-d.’

People came up to me just about every day with new and exciting (and disgusting and horribly, horribly wrong) urban legend dirty sex acts that I’d never heard of before. I learned a lot from and about my coworkers during this period. Being a bit of a know it all, I got on the internet and did a lot of research trying to learn what as many of these things were as I could.  Yeah, I guess I could have been studying political history or environmental issues but this stuff was more fun and germane to my occupation.

I learned all sorts of crazy shit. I learned the subtle differences between a Strawberry Shortcake and a Jelly Doughnut. I learned the difference between a Dirty Sanchez and a Dirty Adolf (a single downward swipe as opposed to a horizontal one) and a Dirty Bishop (which is more like a Blumpkin). I learned that Space Docking was the same as an Alabama HotPocket. But mostly I just learned how crazy people in love can be. And nasty. God some of those things are just terrible.

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For extra credit, which one of the following dirty urban legend sex acts is the only one that Me, The JerBear and his friend Big Plaid invented?–

Jelly Doughnut, Cincinnati Bowtie, Danny Glover, Pearl Necklace,  Blumpkin, Reverse Blumpkin, Wheelbarrow, Hot Carl, Donkey Punch, New Delhi Dot, Cleveland Steamer, Vegetarian Hot Lunch,  Teabagging, New York Chili Dog, Rusty Trombone, Three Hole Punch, Gorilla Mask, Abe Lincoln, Pink Sock, Bagpiping, Spiderman, Space Docking, Alabama Hot Pocket, Salty Pirate, Western Grip, Dirty Adolf, Dirty Sanchez, Dirty Bishop,  Felching, Arizona Oreo, Angry Dragon, Strawberry Shortcake, Arabian Goggles, Raybans, Shocker, Spocker, Showstopper, Mushroom Stamp, Houdhini, Alaskan Pipeline, Lucky Pierre, Bukkake, Tossed Salad, Immaculate Conception, and Eiffel Tower.

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Every good story has a villain and this story’s villain was one of the worst New Sheriff managers I’ve ever worked with. This toad-faced assistant manager who had absolutely NO sense of humor put a stop to the fucked up festivities by saying ‘I just don’t know how I would explain to Kurt (our equally slimy area director) what a Blumpkin is.’

It was fun while it lasted though. And educational.

 

Dignity and Respect

Me, The JerBear

5 Comments

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5 responses to “Bloomin Blumpkin

    • Wow! You actual Canadians are pretty freaky too! The Sticky Flapjack just sounds hilarious. Thanks for the education–I have truly never heard of any of these but I get the gist. Here’s a reprint of that list:

      Old King Clancy, Reverse Rick Moranis, Montreal Meatpie, Saskatoon Totem Pole, Musty Goaltender, Sticky Flapjack, Squatting Eskimo, Five-Legged Caribou, Newfoundland Lobster Trap, Manitoba Milk Bag, Two-Handed Zamboni, Sneaky Snowplow, Full Mountie, Sloppy Dog Sled, Halifax Fudge Badger, Two Girls, One Stanley Cup, Brown Icicle, Frosty Mitten Job, Montreal Petting Zoo, Wet Ski Mask, Edmonton Soiler, Salty Prime Minister, One-Tusked Walrus, Northwest Passage

  1. Salty pirate?

    I would so LOVE to earn the extra credit.

    Incidentally, my friend and I decided to make up a sex act and swore that we would never tell anyone what it was or that it wasn’t real. We decided to call it a New Jersey slip ‘n’ slide.

  2. We had a dishwasher we (I) called Dirty Sanchez. He wasn’t Mexican.

    I need to get out more. I don’t know what any of these things are.

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