When people hear about some of my numerous experiences in the underbelly of the foodservice industry they will invariably ask me what is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen. I usually cock my head to the side and try to figure out if I should tell them the truth. Let me be quite honest with you, my dear reader(s): This story is not for the faint-hearted. If you are the kind of person who likes to read this blog while sipping tea and eating biscuits in the morning (and what kind of sick twisted fuck would?), then consider this your final warning. What follows is not pretty. When you get through reading this you will get down on your knees and thank your sweet fluffy lord I didn’t include a picture in this one.
Still with me? I am so sorry.
Late into the shift one night while working at a popular chain restaurant, much ado was made over something some guy left in the middle stall of the men’s bathroom. Apparently this dude missed the toilet when he was dropping a deuce. The whole staff took turns to gawk at the errant poo and wondered who was going to be saddled with the task of cleaning it up and of course we wondered why it was there to begin with. I mean how do you miss the fucking toilet that you’re sitting on? Before he was even asked to do so, the best busser I had ever worked with at the time stepped up to the plate and unceremoniously did away with it.
THANK YOU Felipe! You always kicked ass and your work ethic is remembered still to this day. I hope you and your family are doing well.
Later on that night at the staff poker game we found out that an outgoing server who was shipping off to boot camp the next day was the guilty Poo Bandit. ‘JerBear I went in dry storage and drank an entire box of wine and then I did it. Arrgh!’ he said. Then he went all in, then all out, and then he passed out, saying nothing for the rest of the night except for occasionally belching out a loud ‘Arrgh!’
But even THAT isn’t the craziest shit I’ve ever seen in a restaurant.
One time while working at a place that had small, one person bathrooms for men and women, I held in a good five gallon piss for the duration of a lunch shift. After doing the peepee dance all day I finally got my chance to go and rushed to the can. An outside observer would have seen a very handsome, fat Jason Statham-like server running into the bathroom and then a second later backing out the door with a horrified expression on his face, saying ‘WHOA! What the FUCK is THAT?’
When I went in the MEN’S bathroom I saw that someone else had been there before me. In the MEN’S bathroom.
And they were not what you would call a flusher.
There was a good ten to fifteen pound peanutty shit sitting there in the toilet, the top of it rising out of the water like a little deserted island in the middle of the Brown Sea. Only it wasn’t deserted, no. I don’t know what this motherfucker had been eating or doing with his time but he obviously enjoyed a well-rounded diet. There was corn, peanuts, tomatoes, grains–literally it looked like almost the entire food group pyramid was represented in this guy’s coilsnake. You’ve heard of someone ‘blowing up’ a toilet? Well this toilet wasn’t just blown up. This was more like a terrorist attack. Al Qaeda done came and bombed the fuck out of our shitter. We almost called Homeland Security cause it was so devastated.
But what made it really sick and fucked up was the fact that there was not one but TWO (2) tampoons wrapped in 2-ply, an unused condom (I think it was unused-it was still rolled up), and blood. And not just a little blood either. No. It looked like someone had tracked a wild boar and speared it right there in the crapper. I mean this looked like a fucking CRIME SCENE, people. We debated on calling CSI and the local constabulary to see if there were any missing persons missing. With dysentery.
It was kinda gross. But me being me, I had to take a picture of it with my phone before trying to flush it. This packed bowl was every bit as much of a fighter as that poor wild boar because it took about six flushes to get it down. I don’t know for certain as I was next door in the women’s loo taking a much-needed wiz. Naturally I had to snap a picture of it with my phone. When asked why I took a picture of something so horrifying I replied ‘Because as good as I am with words, NOBODY’S going to believe this shit.’
Dignity and Respect (and for god’s sake FLUSH, people)
Me, The JerBear