Satan’s Ex

Have you ever had a table that was just pure evil?

There was this one customer that was so hateful, so awful to wait on, so demanding, so cheap that we called her Satan’s Ex. As in this bitch was so terrible of a person that if Satan was banging her he would have to break up with her just because she was so damn evil. And that’s evil, people. Plus she always had such a thick red fake tan that it looked like she had just clawed her way out of the bowels of hell to get to the restaurant after the Father of Lies had just thrown her shit out on the curb of their cozy two bedroom bungalow they were sharing on 666 Brimstone Lane.

It's YOUR fault I hate my life so much!

Thanks to South Park everybody knows that Satan is gay. And he is. I know this for a fact. I also know why. It’s because after his relationship with that krusty kunt switching teams didn’t seem like such a bad idea.  You would too I bet. She is just that evil.

' . . . turned Satan gay . . . '

This frizzy-headed Orange-American tannerific twat would order a $12 appetizer that nobody else at the table would eat or wanted to order and then yell at them when they didn’t want to share the cost.  And money wasn’t something she really needed to worry about because she always saved some by never EVER tipping. Honestly though–no amount of money would be worth having to deal with her grab bag of psychoses and neuroses. As soon as you greeted the table she started the huffing and the bitching and acting like she’s doing us the biggest favor in the world by blessing us with her presence. Literally as soon as you said hello to her she would be instantly pissed off at you.

Everything she ordered was heavily modified, canceled, reordered, remodified, recanceled, changed back to the first order, and then remodified in new and exciting ways. Then the twenty  minute conversation that resulted from the question ‘What are you having for lunch today?’ would be ended with a snide If You Can Handle That. The reason it took twenty minutes to get her order was that she would ask for more extra this and a side of that than anybody I’ve ever seen. Of course once you got back to the table with the large tray full of all the extra shit she would ask for she would grouse about the bowl of whatever or the extra side of whatsit that YOU forgot (read: something she never asked for but only brought it up so she’d have something to passive aggressively bitch about but that’s a subject for a whole other post). And then once you got back again with the extra whatever that ‘you’ forgot she would bitch about something else that she allegedly asked for. Ugh.

Nothing ever went right for Satan’s Ex. The food was never good, the service was always terrible. The prices were always too high and the portion sizes too small. The music was too loud when it wasn’t too soft. It was too hot when it wasn’t too cold. If it wasn’t too rainy it was too sunny. This woman wouldn’t be satisfied with a 14 inch dick. Nothing could make her happy. Nothing.

If she was slightly less of a bitch to deal with or if she tipped even a little or if she complained about a little less I could maybe see myself one day feeling sorry for her. That’s the proper reaction of a mature, self-aware individual to someone so miserable. But I’m just not there yet. If I saw a bus run over her orange-skinned, bleached-blonde, white trash Oompa Loompa looking ass I would SQUEAL with glee and cheer the bus driver on and beg him to do it again. Trust me when I say that she deserves it.

The only lesson that can be gleaned from taking care of this heinous cow is that sometimes you just can’t win no matter what you do, that some people carry in their own mental problems that you can’t fix. Sometimes there’s no right answer.

Or, as Forrest, Forrest Gump said:

‘Sometimes there’s just not enough rocks’

Dignity and Respect

Me, The JerBear


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11 responses to “Satan’s Ex

  1. I want to get a job in a restaurant just to piss off people. You guys really deserve medals for putting up with insufferable bitches like her. Obviously a very unhappy, snootty person. Absolutely, some people are totally broken. But tip – come on – tip for good service.

    I would love it if you would address what to do when you receive bad service. And I’m not talking about the food coming late, or errors or any such petty stuff as that. I’m talking bitchy wait staff, rude, forgets about you (more than once) – it rarely happens though (whew), but one time we did not leave a tip. Probably the only time in my life, but it was a horror show and I just couldn’t make myself tip. What think you?

    • I’m not all that sure I’m the one to ask on this one, Darla. As a general rule I will ALWAYS be on the side of the restaurant staff. After all, I AM a restie advocate–it’s part of the job. There’s too many people out there that harbor too much resentment towards us that my self-admitted bias is warranted and (at least in my mind) justified.

      That being said, it sounds like you had a horrible experience. On behalf of the staff of that restaurant, who apparently had neither the good sense nor the good manners to do so, I would like to apologize to you. Most of the time we get everything right. Sometimes everything goes terribly, terribly wrong. Obviously this was one of those times.

      I can’t speak for the rudeness or forgetfulness of your server. I wasn’t there and I don’t know that person. Let me say this, though, to perhaps mitigate those errors. You’ve no doubt heard the expression ‘Shit rolls downhill’. It is quite possible that this server, who would normally be polite, attentive and competent, had just been bitched out by their manager for some spurious offense. Or maybe their significant other had been caught cheating on them with their best friend. Or worse–the manager that just bitched them out. Maybe your server’s life was falling apart during the course of the shift. Maybe they were extremely sick but couldn’t call in or else they would lose their job. I don’t know. All I’m saying is that is your server came off as rude or forgetful then maybe they didn’t mean to.

      But my apology still stands. If you didn’t feel that you should have tipped for those reasons then I can’t argue with you about it. It sounds like you are a sweet person and you normally do tip, so I still love ya. Keep it up:)

      Dignity and Respect
      Me, The JerBear

      And if you have any other questions or issues for me to address, please feel free to bring them up.

  2. 1. Address issues as they arise.
    I’d much rather hear “did you forget my ___?” than to think someone is sitting there pissed at me over ranch dressing. (It gives me the chance to not only rectify, but apologize We’re only human, and even the best of us have bad nights)
    2. Talk to a manager
    Your shitty server would rather assume most people don’t tip than look at him/herself as at fault. Talk to a manager, and if it happens enough, there will be repercussions. If it is an anomoly (be sure to mention you don’t want free shit)

    • Crap. iPhone screwed me. I was trying to say; if it is an anomoly, most likely your server will not have real problems. If you started with #1, they will understand what they did wrong, and may even have a chance to apologize/explain themselves. (last night I had to work a huge section after already working the lunch shift. I did two peoples work in the second half of an 11 hour shift. I explained that to most of my tables, begged their forgiveness and patience.)

  3. Thanks for the “tips” Jer and Blooming. I really do not like complaining and even though we politely asked the server for napkins three times (and were very patient – my husband and I are very patient and understanding people) and drinks twice I wouldn’t want to rat her out. We definitely didn’t sit there seething. We did ask…politely…more than once, but you’re probably right, something major was going on in her life or in the restaurant that day. Yes, we are all people – and I never forget that…Never! Thanks again. PS – I still felt bad about not tipping though 🙂

  4. You’d think if the food was never up to her high standards, she’d go somewhere else.

  5. Sometimes late at night I feel sorry for those kinds of people, but mostly I want to crush their skulls. We have one woman regular who is a lot like this…bitch if she were hanged with a new rope…and I avoid her at all costs.

  6. katy

    Oh my… I would say something. I seriously would. And if I got fired I would go work someplace else. I have only once had a customer this bad and he wasn’t even THIS bad. It was my managers and coworkers that made it bad.
    Anyway I used to work with a girl like this. She hated me for some reason, and made it a point to try to get me to quit. Well after the first time the manager called me a name I did. Fuck that, I’m a grown-ass woman, you aren’t going to talk to me like I’m a child only with profanity. I guess I’m rambling a little… but omg that bitch was so fucking horrible. I can honestly say she is the worst human being I have ever known. Ghetto-ass white trash cunt whore. And when she would come in with her friends, she would tip 5%. I cannot relay to you how awful she was, but I would honest-to-God squeal with glee if I saw her get hit by a bus. At least customers don’t come in every day and stay all day.

    • Wow Katy let it all out:)

      Seriously, let it out. I’d like to hear some one else’s horror stories for a change so I won’t feel like I’m the only one. Catharsis, much like a loud and nearly wet Dr. Pepper burp or a good underwear-staining chili bean fart, feels better out than in. And they are better when shared with friends.

      I too have worked with some absolutely awful people. And yes it is so much worse when they are in management positions. And when they THINK they’re in management. I intentionally try to be mostly positive on this blog but I might go dark some time and relate some of my darker stories.

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