Birth of a Restaurant Industry Employee Advocate Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

I had recorded a silly little song in the living room of my crappy two bedroom duplex apartment. It was made with poor quality equipment and techniques but it would consistently make people laugh, which is the only thing a comedian really wants to do. It was uploaded on, a little known website that lets musicians let other musicians hear their projects, so that a friend of mine could hear it.

The warm reception I got from it led me to write some other songs and material geared specifically towards people in the restaurant business. I started working on Basura!, a song about the smoke breaks which are generally taken during the trash run at most places, and Alley Rally/Acts of Love, a skit/song about pre-shift meetings held every day and the urban legend dirty sex acts that you hear about a lot when you work in a restaurant (like the blumpkin, the dirty Sanchez, the Alabama Hot Pocket, etc.), and of course-Orientation. Making fun of how terrible it all was, I put them together on a rough draft demo called No One Should Ever Have To Listen To This. Friends, associates, very regular regulars, and various other cool people got copies.

Backtrack: remember the whiny pissbucket that wanted to bartend so much? She eventually stabbed enough people in the back and blackmailed and coerced her way into getting a bar position, and SHE WAS TERRIBLE. She stole money from the tip bucket, she stole money from the drawer, she wouldn’t make drinks, she wouldn’t do any sidework, and then she would snitch on me for that same shit. She was a terrible coworker. Then one day an old friend of mine that I used to work with and play poker with came in and sat at the bar. He asked for a CD and I gave him one. Krazee Krusty Kunt McGhee saw it and found out what it was and went to management with it.

A couple of weeks later the crackhead GM pulled me into the office and tried to interrogate me for half an hour by asking me repeatedly ‘Do you have anything you want to tell me? Do you have anything to say?’ He never elaborated on that or told me what he wanted to talk about so I eventually started to enumerate on the shortcomings of my fellow bartenders who didn’t show up to work, didn’t do their jobs when they did and who stole money all the time. He didn’t want to hear about any real problems that actually affected his business so he ended the conversation abruptly.

In the meantime there was a memo posted on the board in the back. It was a reprint of an email sent in to corporate about me. I used to have this lady come in and sit at the bar and have a glass of wine and dinner before she would go to the hospital to be with her husband. I never found out what was wrong with her husband but I don’t think he ever got better. Apparently having me wait on her and joke around with her was the highlight of her days during that trying time in her life. She had written that email that said how awesome I was and how my sense of humor was the best part of coming to the OG and how much she appreciated my level of service. In addition to all the nice words the customer wrote, when the bar manager posted it on the board she wrote things like ‘Way to be a ROCKSTAR!’ and ‘This is what we expect ALL of our [garden hos] to be like’. Ahh the irony. The sweet, buttery irony.

The day before I was supposed to take a few days off so that me and Mrs. Bear could go looking for a house so that we could get out of that dumpy apartment I walked in the door and clocked in and the GM and the newest rookie New Sheriff manager sat me down to talk about my extracurricular activities. Line by line, word by word they asked me to explain everything on the CD they had. And they mocked me for it when I referred to it as my art. Darden’s tech guys tracked down the soundclick upload but they didn’t know if it had gotten ten hits or ten thousand, so I didn’t tell them. When they asked me what should they do about the situation I said ‘Nothing. As long as I’m a bartender writing stupid songs that nobody is going to listen to then I’m not really a problem.’ What I didn’t say was that if they fired me for this I would become a bigger pain in their ass than they could possibly imagine.

They suspended me with pay (a first for me in this business) until they decided how to best fuck everything up as much as possible. A week later they told me I was fired.


We are almost through with this tale, kids. See the next installment Birth of a Restaurant Industry Advocate Episode VI: Return of The JerBear


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8 responses to “Birth of a Restaurant Industry Employee Advocate Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

  1. What a bunch of crap! How can they fire you for that? Did you even mention the name OG in your songs?

  2. 80% of states are right-to-hire states, which means you can be fired at any time for any reason management sees fit, and I happen to live in one. This makes 4 out of 5 of us virtually into wage slaves, which is an issue I would see looked into. They were well within their legal rights to fire me, just as I have been well within MY legal rights to do what I have done since.
    That being said, yes OG was mentioned in one song and one song only and not exactly in a positive way. Their birthday song lyrics were used as a chorus after all.
    Some people disagree with you TRM. I have been told that not only did I deserve to get fired but I should also have gotten my ass kicked for it. Man some people sure are threatened by ‘uppity’ servers.

  3. bloomin onion

    When I was at OG I joined a facebook group called Olive Garden Sucks. My brother warned me this might be a bad idea. I laughed. So I guess, thanks to you, I could really have been fired for that. Luckily I was instead fired for not pushing alcohol on people who don’t drink. BTW; the birthday song is no more. They dumped it about 10 months ago. And PLEASE let me know how I can hear these songs you wrote.
    I’d pay for a cd.

    • No you won’t pay for a cd. Not after saying it so nicely. Besides, I was warned rather thoroughly that Darden would sue my balls out of their socket if I tried to make any money off their officially copyrighted material.

      Hold on a tic and I’ll put B.F.F. in a post.

      Just have to learn how first. This might take a minute. I am e-tarded.

  4. oh btw i have my own blog now. give it a look-see and share with your friends.

  5. I think you need to explain these things: the blumpkin, the dirty Sanchez, the Alabama Hot Pocket. Some of us lead sheltered lives.

    • You really don’t want me to do that. Some things, once learned, can’t be unlearned. Let’s just say that the Alabama HotPocket is the same thing as Space Docking. And no, I didn’t make ANY of those up. Except the Immaculate Conception. Me and a guy named Big Plaid made that one up. The rest are real.

      Scary, huh? Kids these days . . .

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